Dear Moneyist: My fiancé, or should I say my eternal fiance because he never wants to get married, recently surprised me when he said flatly that he wants me free from the mortgage and deed to our newly purchased beachfront home. We have lived there for a year and paid 50/50 on everything. He did not want to debate or talk about buying me, he was more insistent and did not move.
“’I moved from another state and sold my beautiful house to be with this man. He did not sacrifice anything. ”
He didn’t want to leave before the conversation. I still love him, but I wanted to live a committed life where we would build a future together living in the same house. I feel like it‘s a slap in the face. I’m shocked and heartbroken and he makes me feel like I’m doing it all about myself. I have already given up my dream of getting married. He said if I don’t want to pay the rent, we can live in separate houses and keep dating forever, which sounds completely like a huge step back to me. I am a hardworking person with a very good credit rating and I always pay half of the mortgage a month in advance. You think I’m unreasonable. I moved from another state and sold my beautiful home to be with this man. He did not sacrifice anything. If I buy my own house, I doubt that he will stay overnight at my house. I just feel like your decision was influenced by money. I hate the way he makes me feel emotionally unstable and insecure because I don’t agree with him. What should i do now? Fiancée Dear Fiancée: Asking you to resign, claim your share of the property from your husband, and withdraw from the mortgage, assuming the bank allows it, which is far from a fact, is unreasonable. Wearing a wedding ring and your clear desire to get married as leverage is despicable. I disagree with you on one salient point: not marrying this man after such a long engagement would be a huge step forward, as long as they take one more leap towards freedom, with exactly 50% of this house they bought together . .
Let me introduce you to the sunk cost fallacy. ”
Let me introduce you to the sunk cost fallacy: you spend an hour waiting for a bus, so you wait another hour instead of taking a taxi. Or you put $ 100,000 in a bad investment, so you spend another $ 100,000 to keep it afloat because otherwise those first $ 100,000 would go to waste. This is the dilemma you face with your fiancé. Let’s start by removing the term. It means nothing except the promise that something will happen that has not happened and is unlikely to happen and, I hope, with the right support, you accept that it would be a disaster for you if it did. If this is how he treats you and your relationship now, imagine how he would treat you if you signed your half of the house. Imagine how he would treat you if you got married, God forbid. A girlfriend or wife paying rent for a house that she used to co-own? Whatever social contract you signed in getting engaged has now been broken by your indecent proposal. If this house is increasing in value, I suggest you rent it out, live separately, and show him that what he thinks you want, you no longer want. Or sell the house.
“Any social contract you have signed has been broken. ”
Did he need you to co-sign this mortgage, or is it just a random change of mind? Either way, stop calling him your fiancé for the purposes of this dilemma, and view him as another human being who is offering you a bad deal and using emotion to get over the line. If he tries to woo you, remember that he is. People do not change. A partner who makes such a suggestion will not change who he is, he will simply put a different type of wallpaper and move the furniture so that you think that everything is shiny and new. You stayed with this man not because you wasted years, but because it took the amount of time it took to learn what it was you were supposed to learn from this experience. Between the lessons: You deserve a good relationship and you are able to face life on your own. You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to the coronavirus at email@example.com The Moneyist: When my parents died, my sisters and I divided their estate. I chose a painting that can be worth $ 50,000. Should I tell them? Hello MarketWatchers. Take a look at Moneyist’s private FB Facebook group, + 0.60%, where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money problems. Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or comment on the latest Moneyist columns.